WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize