you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
