Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I stole a fireplace last night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
