just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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