biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
