I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
