new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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