You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
