I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
