And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
