someone owes me an orgasm
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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