Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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