I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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