Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
