You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We had sex on a dog bed..
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
