I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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