why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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