Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
