I'm eating all of the evidence.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
