Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
