just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
