No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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