bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
