worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
