You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
