3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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