If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize