Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
