Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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