i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm like, not good at living.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
