My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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