I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
