Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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