This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ttyl tear gas
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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