I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
