i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
