No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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