If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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