in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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