we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
