I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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