The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
