also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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