The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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