make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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