I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
