dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Randomize
