I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
