Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
