In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize