filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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