Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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