Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
