don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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