im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
