The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
