There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
