Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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