Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
