So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
