He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
