Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
