Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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