how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize